Crazy Cat Lady?

A couple of weeks before Christmas, I finally got around to getting Miss Kitty spayed. Our local Humane Society now offers low cost spay and neuter services. You call and leave a message and they call you back with an appointment for their next assembly line style spay day.

The cost savings is huge - $75 dollars for a spay as opposed to $300 at our regular vet. For an extra $50 bucks they will de-worm and vaccinate as well.

You bring your cat in for their 8 am opening and pick it up at the end of the day. Which is how I found myself booking a day off so I could wake up at the ass crack of dawn and drive for 45 minutes, instead of sleeping in like I normally do when I take a day off.

I made it there for a quarter to eight. There were two ladies waiting at the door already. One of them looked to be about 60 with no pet in sight and seemed grateful to see me. The other lady looked about 50 (maybe not so old, but I desperately want to believe she had to be older than I am) with a cat carrier at her feet and a tiny gray kitten peeking out of her coat.

I didn't take long for me to understand why the older lady looked so damn happy to see me. The lady with the kitten mashed into her cleavage was talking - a lot.

Cat Lady: I have three at home that I bottle fed blah, blah, blah.

Cat Lady: One of them was born with her head twisted to the side. I did some research and found out it could be caused by one of two things. A virus, an injury or an infection blah, blah, blah.

My Brain: That's three things.

Cat Lady: We named her Pearlie. My husband picked her name because she looks a little bit like a Siamese blah, blah, blah.

Cat Lady: We have another one that is a diluted tortoiseshell blah, blah, blah.

My Brain: What the hell is a diluted tortoiseshell?

Cat Lady: This one was born a week early, but you can't tell to look at him. 

My Brain: How the fuck do you know that?

Other people started to arrive. The older lady went to retrieve her cat from the car. The Cat Lady went through her spiel again.

Cat Lady: This one knows what a car ride is. "I guess I should put you in your carrier." He's snug as a bug in my coat. "You love your mommy don't you?"

My Brain: Her hair is neat, no skunk line of gray roots. Her clothes are clean and neat. She looks so normal until she opens her mouth.

Part way through the third repetition of this woman's entire history as a cat owner, a couple came up behind me. They checked on their kitten in normal pet owner style as opposed to weird cat lady style.

At 8 sharp, they finally came to unlock the doors and put an end to the longest 15 minutes of my life.

I sighed with relief and whispered "Thank you God!"

The man behind me said "Amen!"

Except it wasn't over. Now we were handed clipboards with the standard release forms that must be signed before your pet undergoes surgery. Then we had to wait in line to pay our fee and hand over our felines.

During this time new people arrived. Each one who wandered into The Cat Lady's sphere triggered another accounting of her history as a cat lady.

Cat Lady: This one was born a week early - not that you can tell to look at him.

My Brain: How could you possibly know that?

By this point I was wondering if she stalked her cats at night and marking the dates they had sex on a calender. The calender would have kitty pictures on it, and she would be wearing a cat sweater and everything in her home would be cat themed and covered in cat hair.

I'm pretty sure by the tenth time I heard all of this I started to glare at any new arrivals who approached the woman. She handed over her kitten and settled her ample backside on one of the few chairs. I finally handed over Miss Kitty, paid my fee and race walked for the door.

I wonder how long it took the staff to get rid of her?