Assholes and Jack o Lanterns

At least once a month I can guarantee I'll regret every word that makes it out of my mouth just for the bitch factor. I know it's happening but I never manage to stop the flow of nastiness.

Today I got to watch that shit happen to someone else. Except he either didn't notice his inner asshole coming out to play, or he was hoping nobody else would notice the smell.

Remember the scooter? My co-supervisor says he's not going to keep the key in it any longer since it goes missing on him all the time. All the time being exactly once.

He also said that if I want to use it "I should ask for the key".

Really dude? I know you're Mennonite and all - but I'm not. I don't wear the dress, and I do shave my legs (when I feel like it). I'm not willing to act as if you are in any way superior to me, simply because you have a penis. I happen to have a vagina and I'm not afraid to say the word vagina just to chase you out of a room.

Don't hold your breath waiting for me to ask for that key, I'll be too busy trying to avoid the smell of asshole.

Since we're talking assholes....

Asshat #1 carved pumpkins with his girlfriend last night and now she knows that normal doesn't happen at my house.

Pumpkin number one is a vagina. I'm kind of impressed the kid knew what a labia was.

He actually blushed while he was stabilizing his pumpkin genitals with a finger in the pumpkin vagina.

After years of drawing sharpie marker dick pics on his brother's back it wasn't much surprise when the second one looked like this.

Makes me glad we don't get any trick-or-treators.

Why my feet are always wet.

I live in a small house. 1200 square feet or thereabouts. The largest room in the house is my bedroom - which has a queen sized bed, a king sized desk and a washer and dryer. The amount of floor space not consumed by furnishings is minimal.

I share this square footage with 2 adult sized males (size really doesn't count here - they make more mess than a couple of toddlers) two cats and the dogs.

When I brought MY dog home as a puppy Louie was a dream come true. Mellow and calm - he practically trained himself. In fact I'm convinced he must have trained himself because they (the Asshats) aren't housebroken yet and I've been trying for 20 years.

Then Asshat #1 brought Jackson home.

It's blurry because he is NEVER STILL!

Jackson is a German Shepherd puppy. He's not a bad puppy - but he's definitely a puppy. At least once a week I come home to a disemboweled stuffie in my living room. Toys that Louie had been gently cherishing for months and even years become shreds of fabric, tumbleweeds of stuffing and stray squeakers. 

In other words - Jackson is the puppy I never gave birth too, because he is EXACTLY like my boys. Loveable but overwhelmingly in my face.

This is supposed to be the dog's water dish, but Jackson just tips it over or drags it around the house when we fill it.

So this is Jackson's water dish. Not such a bad deal for a dog - with three adult sized people in the house the water is fresh - at least when I'm home. (I'm convinced I'm the only person in the house who knows how the flusher works).

Except...

Have you ever watched a horse drink? They tend to stick their whole face in the water and then as they're walking away let the last mouthful just fall out of their mouths.

Must be the long neck.

Anyhow, Jackson likes to  let the last mouthful pour dribble out as he runs to the kitchen. Which in my house is only about 12 feet. So there is only 12' of floor for my socks to mop water from but my feet seem to find every last drop of toilet water. Toilet water that may or may not contain shit particles.

It's been over a month since I had dry socks.

Getting Lucky

On Friday I had a sudden craving for a Dr. Pepper, and not a diet Dr. Pepper either. I'll happily drink all of my other carbonated beverages sugar free and full of aspartame (who needs to remember shit anyhow) but not my Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper must at all times be the full calorie version.

So I stuck my Loonie in the pop machine and made my selection. Except instead of getting one can of syrupy sweet, icy cold Dr. Pepper goodness - I got two.

I figured at this point I should quit buying lottery tickets for the rest of my life. That had to have used up my life time supply of good luck.

But then today, I had another craving for 6 cups of sugar in a 2 cup can of carbonated beverage. I dropped my Loonie in the pop machine and got two cans of Dr. Pepper for the price of one again.

Best BOGO ever, but now I know I've used up all my good luck.

Except then I found a Sharpie marker in the wash machine and I got lucky again - it was a black marker in a load of all black clothes.

I did not win the lottery.

Knee deep in dogs, assholes and carsick cats.

I was pretty damn satisfied with the number of living bodies in my house. One dog, two cats, myself and the two Asshats.

Then Asshat #1 goes and gets himself a puppy. A German Shepherd puppy to be exact.

Me: What the hell are you doing, I told you I don't want another dog in the house!

Asshat #1: Don't worry, I've got enough saved for a down payment on a house and I'll be moving out at the end of the month.

And one month later he did buy a house. He gets possession in November and I have plans for his bedroom. I also have plans for all the free time I will have once my laundry gets reduced by 60%.

Meanwhile though, I'm still knee deep in animals and assholes. First my dog went through this neurotic jealous phase where he glued himself to my leg. Try and get anything done with 60 pounds of dog afraid you don't love him anymore. I dare you.

Also fun is trying to navigate a very small house with two dogs playing and two Asshats being themselves. 

In the shuffling of dogs in and out of the house for washroom breaks Miss Kitty has decided she will be an indoor outdoor cat from now on.

This is fine (or will be as long as I get her spayed very soon) except she's developed a fondness for napping in my car.

Yes, I do leave my car window down and yes I've had a wet ass many times.

So last night when I was nearer my destination than I was to home and I saw her head pop up in the rearview mirror I kept going. All was well until I was almost home again. First she tried to climb into my lap. Since I'm sure that would be more of a distraction than say driving and texting, I shooed her into the back seat.

Miss Kitty: Mwack!

Asshat#2: She just puked.

Me: No she didn't, she just meowed.

Miss Kitty: Mwack!

Asshat#2: I'm telling you, she just puked in your back seat.

So yes, cats do get car sick but at least she didn't puke in my purse. Or shit all over like any cat I've taken to the vet ever.

When she attempted to jump in the car with me this morning when I was leaving for work I made the time to cart her majesty off to the house.

Do you ever wonder if a cat would drown itself drinking from a dripping tap?

I think it's possible they might.