An apology to Pink Floyd fans and some Sea Snakes.

Whenever I'm wandering around my house pretending I know how to keep a house I hear this in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5diMImYIIA


Only instead of the original lyrics I put in things like:

How can I make pancakes if I can't find my beaters.

or

How can I sweep the floor if I can't find my dustpan.

or if I'm really frustrated

How can I keep my house clean if these kids won't move out.

Imagine how surprised I was when I Googled the lyrics and found out the real lyrics aren't "How can you have any pudding if you don't wipe your feet" like I always thought they were. Instead it's really  "How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat."

I'm going to apologize to all the Pink Floyd fans now for being an idiot.

How do you cook Sea Snakes?

I work with an older Chinese gentleman. He asked me the other day if I liked squash. I told him I did and then he said "I bring you one tomorrow" with his arms stretched out to indicate it was a long one. I assumed he meant zucchini.

And then he gave me these things that look like sea snakes or something.

I don't think those are going to fit in my fridge.

Put on your comfy PJ's and come hang out at the Weekend Moonshine Grid. You'll like it!

 

A whole bunch of jackasses and why we can't have nice toilet paper.

Asshat #1 finally went to Connecticut for work. My only complaint (other than he didn't visit the duty free on his way back and bring his mom some cheap booze) was that the promised three weeks turned out to only be two and a half.

At least there was a few days of overlap between Asshat #1 being in Connecticut and Asshat #2 being away camping with his dad.

Yes - it was heaven.
  

You know what happens when you take a hiatus from blogging? 

A whole bunch of jackasses start posting anonymous comments, that's what happens.

Take this beauty for instance.

Ready upon offs? Carry out your Casual eCourse infested
with tips, secrets, advantage methods upon tickets readily obtainable

That's right - infested with tips.

Another adeptness your roam balmy center cannot alien
is guileless or manmade disasters.

I'm not sure what this commenter was trying to say but "roam balmy center" sounds vaguely sexual.

It's not my first time to pay a visit this website, i am visiting this website dailly and get pleasant facts from here everyday.

Pleasant and facts are not the first two words that come to mind when I think about what I post here. Frivolous and asshattery come to mind though. 

And this is why we can't have nice toilet paper.

Or nice paper towels

Or nice window screens

Had I only known, her name would be Chaos instead of Miss Kitty.

I no longer get to pee alone either. If I'm lucky she waits on the floor until I'm finished so she can watch the toilet paper go down. If I'm not lucky she sits on the back of the toilet and tries to steal it from me while I'm trying to wipe my ass.

She also assists when I'm brushing my teeth.

It might look like she's just being cute, but really she's testing the water temperature for me.

PS If you're looking for the toilet paper at my house it's hiding in the cupboard.

PPS I'll be turning off Anonymous comments for a while even if Blogger does a fantastic job of catching them.

Bad data connections, Fleshlights, and please don't make me taste the rainbow.

Saturday, one of the ladies who I work with was asking me when Labour Day was. I know I should know this shit, but since I also know it's just going to be another work day for me - I don't.

So I tried to Google it from my phone. Only my Fleshlight search results kept coming up.

Did you know you can watch a video on You Tube to learn how to clean your Fleshlight?

No matter how many times I clicked the back button and tried to clear my history, the data connection was so slow that it wouldn't go away. Finally I just told her I would let her know and walked away.

I'd rather be thought of as a stupid Canadian than try to explain why I was Googling Fleshlights.

Skittles and the rainbow tastes like shit...

So then the end of the day finally came and the punch clocks went down. As I was counting inventory Skittles approached me. In case you missed it, Skittles has some serious bad breath. Knowing this and not wanting another opportunity to "taste the rainbow" I tried to keep my distance.

Apparently three feet wasn't enough distance because I didn't just taste that fucking rainbow, the rainbow slammed right through my pores and was shining out of my ass.

Me: WHOA! You need to step back.

Skittles: Sorry.

The poor guy shuffled back like I'd accused him of trying to grab my ass, holding up his hands in the classic "I mean no harm" gesture. Which really makes me wonder how often he gets this reaction from people? Because not only does the guy have some serious fucking halitosis, he's hard of hearing so he's always trying to step a little closer...

Me: I don't mean to be offensive, but your breath is something else!

Skittles: Sorry, sorry.

Me: I know, the punch clocks are down. Don't worry about it - I'll fix your punch on Monday.

Me: Have a good weekend!

I promptly forgot about the incident since I'm you know - old. Then I remembered around midnight and laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. I'm sort of shocked that I was so blunt, but then I remember the time I was little and asked my mom "why is that lady wearing an ugly hat" when the lady was sitting right beside me. So I guess it's more shocking that it took me so long to say something about it. 

It's really no surprise I've raised Asshats. The surprise would be if they weren't. Now I wonder if the guy went and bought some Scope this weekend so I can start working on his BO issues.

If I don't do Timmies, do they revoke my "I Am Canadian" card?

I've never really hopped on the Tim Horton's bandwagon. First, because for years Timmies did not take debit, and I don't do cash.

Yes, I'm that lady who whips out her debit card for a one dollar pack of gum.

Mostly it was just the sheer aggravation factor of not being able to get through that one stoplight on my way to work for all the assholes trying to get their morning caffeine fix.

Seriously people - can you not just go buy yourself a damn coffee maker?

Then it happened.

My new friend and I were driving by Timmies and he said "I could really go for an ice cap." Silly me, I turned around and we had Ice Caps.

On the phone three days later...

Me: Sluuuurp.

Him: That's not nice.

Me: You're the one who got me started.

Him: You can't have Ice Caps without me.

Me: It's your fault, I never did Timmies before.

Him: Really? You've been in Canada how long?

That would be my entire life - all 42 years of it.

Me: I never got into the Timmies thing before.

Do they revoke your "I Am Canadian" card when you admit you don't do Timmies or Hockey? I'm asking for a friend...

Miss Kitty has become a brat and the Asshat has a point.

It finally became necessary to get a squirt bottle for Miss Kitty. No matter how cute she is, she's not allowed to climb my screens or walk around on my kitchen table.

Asshat #2 wants to use it for when she's annoying. Like when you are trying to walk around and she's going all feral hunter/vampire on your ankles.

Me: You're only supposed to squirt her when she's being bad.

Asshat #2: Or when she's annoying.

Me: So I can squirt you when you annoy me?

Asshat #2: Mom, if we went around squirting each other whenever we were annoyed, we would never be dry.

He's got a point there.

I hope Karma was wearing a blindfold

Asshat #1 has a new girlfriend. Up until last night I've only got to meet her sandals by the door, but last night I finally got to see her person.

Karma, please look the other way. 

My first impression of my son's girlfriend was holy fucking cleavage. She's about 5 foot nothing and the only thing keeping her from falling over frontwards is the big ass behind.

My son likes them curvy.

My second impression was most annoying voice ever. Which made me start worrying that I was one of those moms. You know the ones who think no girl will ever be good enough for their son?  But then I remembered that mostly I just worry that no girl should have to put up with his crap.

So later after he had taken her home, he decided to find out what my impression of her was.

Asshat #1: Did you see her tits?

I hope Karma was wearing a blindfold, because I just about pissed myself laughing.

It probably won't be the last time I have to admit I'm an asshole.  

Working with your kids might not be the best thing...

Asshat #2 has been working with his mom this summer. That would be me.  I'm not accustomed to seeing either of my progeny 24/7 but #2 has been with me for some very long days these past weeks. Still I guess it isn't enough, because he texts me at lunch break and supper break. Then he hangs around while we're closing out for the day. I've learned there is such a thing as too much time with your kids.

He hasn't been disappearing when we get home either.

But the beer has been disappearing...

Neither Asshat will own up to it, but my beer has been disappearing instead. Is there anything more frustrating than thinking you've got a nice cold one in the fridge, going to grab it and finding it gone?