You Want Me To Drive A What?

On Wednesday - I'm supposed to get certified to drive lift-truck. I'm quaking in my smelly running shoes.

Which is the most action those shoes will ever see! Why don't we call them everyday shoes? It's not as if I'll ever be running in them!

I mean sure, I know how to drive a car, I can even drive stick shift! Lift-trucks are different though. The back wheels are the wheels that steer - not the front. I'm convinced it will be like that one time I tried to back up a trailer - with the trailer going in the opposite direction I wanted it to.

There's levers too. My car doesn't have any of that shit. There are no forks that can be raised, tilted, and even shifted from side to side. Just one lever for the windshield wipers and another one for the lights. Sometimes I still have trouble with the one for the lights - ask my Dad who has had to drive 15 minutes each way to give me a jump boost.

FYI? Never walk into a group of strange men and or co-workers and ask for a jump. The proper terminology is boost.

Also? If you are in the habit of leaving your lights on it's best to have your own set of jumper cables. Men these days aren't as manly and prepared as they used to be. 

Maybe this is why I'm still single? Am I too manly? Nope - the vagina is still there. 

I'm no spring chicken here folks. Forty-two just before that fat fucker Santa came around. How the hell am I going to learn to drive a lift-truck now?

Oh well - if I don't get it at least two of my staff will be right there beside me. Surely one of them will get it. Hopefully both of them - even if I only just remembered to let one of them know he would be going for his lift-truck certification this week.

Surprise - I nominated you. It's a good thing most young guys are okay with learning to drive a lift-truck.

Got a funny post? Come link up on Friday midnight (or is it Saturday then?) for the Weekend Funnies. Saturday morning works too, or Sunday. I should have a button for you sometime this week. If I ever make it home from work before bed-time.

Who the hell walks around their house bare-assed naked at 3 in the afternoon?

You know how sometimes you see something so horrifying you never forget it? It becomes indelibly burned into your brain and you are forever after stuck with that image popping into your head at odd times?

Picture me one spring Sunday afternoon, driving home from the Grocery Store. Rattling along merrily in my car, radio blaring enjoying the beauty of the day. Then I see a little dog running across the road. The little dog makes it safely - whew!

My Brain: Who the hell lets a little dog like that run around loose! Anything could happen to it - look how tiny it is. 

I keep driving, but my eyes are tracking the little dog's progress. As I drive by, I try not to look in the yard. The yard where the house is on the back of the property so all of the yard is front yard. The house where the man who looks like Borat sunbathes in his front yard.

I shit you not, he even has one of those metal reflector things. My eyes are drawn there in spite of my best efforts. Whew, at least it's too cold for Borat to be in his front yard. I really hate it when he's out there in his neon green Speedo. Blech!

My eyes continue to track the little dog as he heads for the front door.

My Brain: Oh I guess it must be Borat's dog. 

I notice the front door is open. Then I see it.

He is standing in his doorway, off to the side a little but still in plain sight. It's Borat and the fucker is naked. Completely stark naked. I see him in profile. With his potbelly, his hairiness and his pecker hanging down. Oh My God!

Eww, my hand leaves the gear shift and claps over my eyes.

My Brain: Oh My God! Did I really just see that? Who walks around their house naked at three in the afternoon? Why wouldn't you grab a robe, a pair of shorts, some tighty whities, for god's sake man - something - before you let the dog out to tinkle?

The split second passes. I drive by, trying desperately to block the image from my mind. Trying even more desperately to not imagine what this man was doing at three in the afternoon bare assed naked.

Surely there was a mat in front of the door he could have draped over himself!

I still flinch when I drive by the house where the man who looks like Borat lives. 

Huge Thank You's going out to the 6 who joined my first Weekend Funnies link-up and extended some blog love to their fellow link-upees. If you weren't able to drop by they were:

As Vinny C's It with What's Done In Darkness

The Dose of Reality with Never Let Anyone Steal Your Sparkle

Jeneral Insanity with There is yet another conspiracy at the asylum...

Bad Word Mama with Reading Ruined My Sex Life!

Maple Syrupland with Denim Deathmatch

Random Musings and Mutterings of Aud the Broad with What is this in your backpack?

Now that I know I can successfully add a link-up we will go live next Friday at midnight - or would that be Saturday?

Hopefully by then I will have a button for you to insert in your post that doesn't include a tomato ass with dangly bits. I'm sure not everyone wants to display that on their blog - even if it is a gorgeous tomato ass.

Remember When The Highlight Of The Weekend Was The Weekend Funnies?

Remember when the highlight of the weekend was reading the color comics in the weekend paper?

It used to be the first thing I read on Saturdays.

As I went through my different life stages my favorites changed. Family Circle, Marmaduke, Blondie and others like it when I was young.

Calvin and Hobbes was always my first go to when Asshat #1 was young. I could identify with Calvin's parents - and see where my life was heading. For a while, we had an orange cat called Hobbes. In the cat world - he totally rode the short bus and was licking the windows too.

As my guys got older Zits became another favorite of mine. It so perfectly captures the entire parenting tweens and teens reality. We even have a few Zits books because my mom always tries to give the gift of reading in at least one form when that fat fucker Santa is getting ready to make an appearance.

Now we get most of our news on-line. Our comics are Someecards, and our Facebook timeline.

Let's bring the funny back to weekends. Link up your most recent funny blog post. Come back and read the other contributors. Tweet it, Facebook it, comment and maybe find a new funny blogger to follow.

The rules:

Funny only please. No offense to you as a blogger but I will boot your post if it's a tear jerker. The only tears allowed here are tears of laughter. You can tell me your latest parenting or life horror story - as long as I'm snorting something out of my nose because you tell it funny.

Include a link to this post in your post you are linking. I will get around to creating a badge - hopefully by next week.

Ideally, I want to see a recent post. Preferably within the last week, but I'll take the last month - for now.

One link per blog please.

This is going to be a small link up at first - so please take the time to give some love to your fellow link uppers. Comment love, tweet love, Facebook love - all or any of them will be appreciated by your fellow link uppers. If we get big enough - I'll bring in voting.

I work Saturdays - all day. So if you have issues it may be evening before I can try to apply my limited technical skills to your situation. However, feel free to email me at myhalfassedlifehere@gmail.com. I check in before work and over my lunch hour while scarfing down my food, and during breaks - which is why I always exceed my data minutes on my phone plan.

For now - I have the titles set to 50 characters. If that's too short for some of you let me know - If it works appearance wise, I'll make it longer. Titles say a lot about a blog so make it witty, make it true to the content and make it appealing. I strongly recommend you use a flashy or catchy title relevant to the post to get page views. We'll see your blog name when we click the link so draw us in first with an irresistible title.

Dark humor, sarcasm, situational - whatever your own funny flavor is let's show it off!

I'm getting busy at my paying job - so breaking with past history this is my weekend post. So your link will stay live and at the top of my blog for the weekend. Which is perfect - it's the few days of the week I have time to dedicate to promoting your funny posts, I have another excuse to avoid or ignore my housework on the weekend, and I can get myself set up for the week on my own blog so I'll have more time to read and comment on your blog during the week. 

Really - You Have The Wrong Number

I had a very funny text conversation today. Unfortunately my Android phone does not support screen shots - so you'll have to take my word for it.

Wrong Number: Ed. Do u do NJ. Email me your info anyway. Thanks Deb

Wrong Number: (A name) mortgage referral in NJ (followed by a number). Let me know what happens. On the road.

Me: Wrong number.

Wrong Number: Try his email (followed by an email address). Sent u his email hope u recd.

Me: Sorry - you have the wrong number.

Wrong Number: I emailed him your number I emailed u his info.

Me: Well I hope you emailed the correct number because this isn't it.

Wrong Number: That is what is on email he sent me. Send him an email. I sent your info to him as well.

Me: I have no idea who you are trying to text but you have the wrong number.

Me: This is too funny.

Wrong Number: So sorry wrong area code.

It was like a text conversation between Abbot and Costello. If you're too young to know who they are then raspberries to you. They did a hilarious skit about Who is on first. If you want to see it or hear it go HERE.

If you can't remember black and white television - you probably have never seen Abbot and Costello.

Got a funny blog post? How about joining me for a Sunday Funnies link up?