fR3jclIIszb96iOdpqMK80eDe-U My Half Assed Life: You Want Me To Drive A What?

Monday, March 4, 2013

You Want Me To Drive A What?

On Wednesday - I'm supposed to get certified to drive lift-truck. I'm quaking in my smelly running shoes.

Which is the most action those shoes will ever see! Why don't we call them everyday shoes? It's not as if I'll ever be running in them!

I mean sure, I know how to drive a car, I can even drive stick shift! Lift-trucks are different though. The back wheels are the wheels that steer - not the front. I'm convinced it will be like that one time I tried to back up a trailer - with the trailer going in the opposite direction I wanted it to.

There's levers too. My car doesn't have any of that shit. There are no forks that can be raised, tilted, and even shifted from side to side. Just one lever for the windshield wipers and another one for the lights. Sometimes I still have trouble with the one for the lights - ask my Dad who has had to drive 15 minutes each way to give me a jump boost.

FYI? Never walk into a group of strange men and or co-workers and ask for a jump. The proper terminology is boost.

Also? If you are in the habit of leaving your lights on it's best to have your own set of jumper cables. Men these days aren't as manly and prepared as they used to be. 

Maybe this is why I'm still single? Am I too manly? Nope - the vagina is still there. 

I'm no spring chicken here folks. Forty-two just before that fat fucker Santa came around. How the hell am I going to learn to drive a lift-truck now?

Oh well - if I don't get it at least two of my staff will be right there beside me. Surely one of them will get it. Hopefully both of them - even if I only just remembered to let one of them know he would be going for his lift-truck certification this week.

Surprise - I nominated you. It's a good thing most young guys are okay with learning to drive a lift-truck.

Got a funny post? Come link up on Friday midnight (or is it Saturday then?) for the Weekend Funnies. Saturday morning works too, or Sunday. I should have a button for you sometime this week. If I ever make it home from work before bed-time.

8 comments:

  1. The drive lift thing sounds like a nightmare to me. The back driving wheels and the levers...yeah, I'm sweating in my everyday shoes just thinking about it. GOOD LUCK!!!

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    1. For the past week I've been the biggest bitch on earth over this. If I had an alternate source of income (cue up the Sugar Daddy I'm still looking for) I would have quit - I'm THAT nervous about it.

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  2. I can't even drive so having my fingers crossed, can you just wear some short skirt and flirt with the instructor? No?...What about pushing a lot of buttons?

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    1. It's winter time. I'm not sure I want it bad enough to machete through the hair on my legs.

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  3. I would be nervous, too. I hope it all goes well for you

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    1. Me too! If it doesn't work out there's still the handjack. Just not the motorized one - because I still haven't figured out how to drive that thing.

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  4. Before we were married, The Hubs' had a stick shift car. He took me to a big parking lot to try and teach me to drive it, but the engine was too powerful for me to ever master it. I believe I could've done it on a normal car, but he's not so sure. Anyway, if you can drive stick, you're superwoman in my eyes!

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    1. When I taught the oldest to drive stick I took him out on a deserted dirt road and had him start, stop, reverse, stop. First and reverse are the hardest.

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