After high school came college. I took Business because I had done well in Accounting through high school. Still Accounting was not something I aspired to, it was just that I was at a point in life where paths needed to be chosen. In hindsight it's little surprise that what I ended up doing was getting pregnant. Not that I deliberately set out to get pregnant, but without that clear idea of where I wanted to end up I probably didn't do as much to prevent it as I could have.
Three years later still with no clear destination in sight, I attempted college again, Electronics this time. Where I discovered that as one of two females in the course there was very little tolerance for the demands of family life and a forty-five minute drive. It was during this time that I also discovered my husband had little interest in parenting, or in assisting me to reach a goal that would benefit us as a family. I became pregnant, deliberately this time. Somehow I thought I would be able to finish the course work while battling first trimester fatigue, and still be mom and wife.
I failed.
Four years later I entered the work force. I started in a lowly clerical position and through my subsequent divorce worked my way up the ladder. Work until 5, come home feed my kids and put them to bed so I can pull out my laptop and work some more? Sure, sign me up! Until I hit the ceiling that is much lower without a degree or even diploma. So I started looking for something else and found it.
What I found came with lots of hours which I was used to; only as an hourly employee I would get paid for all of them, which I wasn't used to. Except now the reality of 6 day and 70 hour work weeks is sinking in and I'm wondering is this really all there is to life?
Work, work, work and then work some more? Driving by the majesty of a lake full of swans every morning on my way to work, mourning the time I don't have to stop and appreciate what I see. Driving by couples walking their dogs after dinner on my way home, the crisp scent of early spring evenings drowned out by the bitterness of regret for choices not chosen.
There has to be something more - I'll keep looking until I find it.
I think you've done very well! I didn't have my first kid until I was nearly 33. I can't imagine the strength it must take to raise kids more than 10 years younger than that. I think you're awesome.
ReplyDeleteBy 33 I was raising two of them officially on my own. There have been some pretty hair raising years between then and now.
DeleteI know how you feel. I work at work, and then, well anybody dropping by my blog knows how hard I work on my farm. I have asked the same questions. I guess I'm just trying to tell you I get what you are laying down.
ReplyDeleteI've read enough of your blog to know how very hard you two work on your farm. Thank you for commenting and I should quit whining because at least I haven't had to crawl around under a wash machine lately.
DeleteDon't forget we did it in the freezing rain! :)
DeleteI think everyone knows this feeling. The thing to know is it keeps changing. Even if it were only about the career path--stats will show that the majority of people not only change jobs but actual careers (a total change) at least every 8 years...I still haven't figured it out but I feel closer now...Is that cuz of my fifties? Probably.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't change for everybody though. Some people know what they want in their teens and pursue that goal and love it when they make it. I want to have that passion for something.
DeleteSo poignant--"the crisp scent of early spring evenings drowned out by the bitterness of regret for choices not chosen." I'm glad you're still looking.
ReplyDeleteIt always pinches a bit when I see people enjoying their leisure and know that once I'm done what has to be done, the day will be too far gone to take that walk.
DeleteIt's cool that you want to keep looking. I really love the way you worded your ending.
ReplyDeleteIt's keep looking for the square hole to fit my square peg or try to whittle it into a round peg that doesn't fit too tight for comfort over the next 20 some years.
DeleteThis is why I contemplate whoring. You make your own hours...for the most part, and the retirement plan is really good I hear...right? This post came on a day when I was forced to choose between work and family. I don't want to have to do that again, so this is really poignant for me, and convinced me to "keep looking."
ReplyDeleteIt used to be easier. Employees had more say - now most of us are just grateful to have a job and way too afraid of losing it to say much.
DeleteI'm so glad you are still looking...though it must be a struggle at times. I think for many people, me included what we are looking for changes through the years ans life situations.
ReplyDeleteThe worst is, if I start looking for regular hours that means office work again. Offices can be a nasty back stabbing work environment and if I'm completely honest - I tend to fall in with all of that. I didn't much like myself when I was working in an office.
Deleteso tough, but you've done and are doing so much!! keep looking, a new door will open up for you... i know it.
ReplyDeleteEventually one always does. I just hope it opens before I get a boot from behind! ;-)
DeleteIt is hard feeling stuck like that. I'm glad you're still looking because when you least expect it, something you are passionate about, will be there looking for you! Keep dreaming & make time to take that walk. The asshats can make their own dinner once in a while ;)
ReplyDeleteThey're going to have to start. The whiteboard will be going back into action with planned meals and they had better be ready when I get home or else. Everybody needs at least one dream.
DeleteI did it the other way - I worked and worked and worked and climbed the corporate ladder, and then I struggled to get pregnant. What I learned is that the best things that happen to you are often the ones that you don't agonize over or plan. Just enjoy the ride. You'll find what you're looking for!
ReplyDeleteYour last paragraph is so poignant. I did the whole "rat race" music thing with blinders on for years and then finally had my kids a little later in life. I think about the choices I've made and how it affected the outcome. We're still kind of playing catch up and taking it as we go. I believe you'll find what you're looking for.
ReplyDeleteYou have all of those experiences to look back at though. Those are things I'm still trying to build into my life. These days I think we all feel like we're trying to play catch up.
DeleteI'm at a transition point right now, too. Not that I want to be, but that's where I am. And I hate it. And I might love it. Mostly, I'm heartbroken and having a hard time letting go of dreams I've dreamt a long time. And that's what I hate the most.
ReplyDeleteI know you're in a rough place right now - really I do. You'll build new dreams and at the end you will still have regrets, but you'll be a stronger person. I don't mean that as an empty platitude either - most days I continue to put one foot in front of the other and find pleasure in what I have achieved.
DeleteI've felt that my career path has gone in reverse: I started out doing meaningful work and now I have a job where I'm just putting in time. It's not stressful and leaves me time to focus on my family, but I often think "isn't there something more I can be doing?"
ReplyDeleteI can tell from your post that I'm not the only one.
If less meaningful work paid well enough - I think I could be okay with punching a clock. I have so many interests and so little time to pursue them. I'm firmly planted in the work to live camp.
DeleteThis phase of your career won't last for ever, it can't, you'll eventually exhaust yourself and move one. I worked for 30 years and then stopped. That was over two years ago. I'm still trying to figure out what to do next.
ReplyDeleteI think I've already hit the exhausted myself point. Or something.
DeleteI think that is a very human struggle. "Is this all there is for me?" If you want to pursue your education, I hope that dream works out. You certainly seem have the tenacity (and life experience) to do whatever you put your mind to.
ReplyDeleteI have taken night courses at the local college and been left wondering how much money the instructor earned to read a power point presentation. I'm at a point where I would be more willing to take courses for personal interest than career advancement.
DeleteI relate with this so much. I don't have kids yet, but I feel so behind because I spent years in school for a career that died with the market crash...
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping you'll find it.
Even here in Canada - a lot died with that crash. I always knew the job I was in wouldn't be enough, but I expected to be able to pick up a factory job once my kids were old enough to stay by themselves. Sadly, all of the well paying manufacturing jobs with benefits have been replaced by call center jobs. High stress and low pay.
DeleteI can relate to feeling like work is all there is, though I don't pull the hours you do by any stretch. I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm with you, work can't be all there is.
ReplyDeleteIt's a struggle though isn't it? Rushing home from work to prepare dinner and spend time with family and still find a bit for yourself?
DeleteOk, take it from the chick who worked her ass off and skipped a lot of living. It was worth it. I'm retired. I know many starving artists. I regret not getting to do what exactly I wanted to do with my life. But no one gets to do exactly what they want. The only exception is your child. However, they will probably have a better work ethic. Believe me it gets better. I worked two jobs most of my life.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep telling myself it gets better. Right now though life seems bottle-necked. If I can just get through that bottle-neck.
DeleteI have loved every post I have read of you. This one takes all the decisions you made, things you did, the situations you have been in all your life and then finally the place you are in, which btw even as it sounds, scares me. You must be very hardworking to be able to manage all that. And someone like you should certainly get whatever more you are looking for. Great Post.:)
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find that something! I like the way passing the swans is a reminder that you want something more. Great detail, and great sort of bookmark for you, mentally!
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