Believe it or not - I was home from work before 6 tonight. Which is really cool since I did not go in until 1. Sure it's only 5 hours, but I think I got enough last week to make up for it.
So the reason I didn't go in until after lunch is because today was finally the day for the hoo-ha check up. The one I have to have before I get to see a gynecologist who will I hope evict Aunt Flo for good. Apparently annual check ups are beneath the baby catchers these days.
Also, doctors don't do your physical anymore. Instead you get a nurse practitioner. Which is kind of cool, because she was way more thorough than any doctor I've ever had. Plus it was mostly less awkward than my last physical.
To distract myself a bit, I told her of my last gynecologist. The one who "installed" my Mirena.
I went to him because after 5 years of living the celibate life I had finally met The Polish guy and was getting somethin something. In one of those cruel tricks life likes to play pre-menopause was setting in and I was having my period for 45 days straight. So my doctor referred me to "Superman"
I'm calling him that because his entire office was filled with Superman collectibles.
Superman: Well your goose is cooked.
I was not nearly as amused as Superman thought I should be at that statement.
Me: What are you trying to say.
Superman: blah blah blah menopause blah blah blah.
Me: So, can you do something about it?
Superman: You really aren't a candidate for a hysterectomy (at which point my inner 2 year old wanted to roll on the floor and scream I want one, and I want it now!) We could try an ablation.
Me: What's the recovery time?
Superman: No time at all, you'll be back to work in two days.
Me: Who cares about work. How long before sex can resume?
Dead silence.
Seriously, just because you look at vaginas all day don't assume the rest of the world has lost interest in sex.
So after much discussion - bullshit - he talked I listened, the Mirena was decided on.
Superman: I would like to examine you first though. Make sure you leave your socks on. I've got a thing about feet.
A large part of Superman's patients belong to a religious community that does not believe in shaving their legs. Or bathing daily. Superman spends his days looking at their vaginas.
Superman, I think you've got bigger things to worry about than feet.
No lie... You should have gently rubbed his cheek with your foot just as he finished with his exam. You should have also drew little faces on the bottom of your toes. Just for kicks.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Valerie
Those are both brilliant ideas!
DeleteHe's grossed out by feet, but can look at wide open, brightly lit hoo haws all day? Freak.
ReplyDeleteHe was certainly a different sort.
DeleteA man who looks deep into the depths of vagina all day is freaked out by feet? Well, I guess it takes a special kind of person to be a vagina doctor anyway, so maybe his brain is compensating for all the vagina by being afraid of toes or something? I don't know. It sounds good inside my head, but less good when I try to write it here.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe he's had too many stinky feet by his head? I don't know how they would smell any better with socks on though.
DeleteAre you having an ablation? I had Novasure in February. Hands down, the best thing I've done for myself in a really long time. Recovery was nonexistent. I'm very athletic and was back to it the next day. I've never seen a drop of blood since the procedure. Some women complain about weight gain which I think is coincidental and tied to the stage of life -- I've lost 20 pounds because I feel great.
ReplyDeleteAnd doesn't Superman know women get pedicures before the hoo-ha check?
Until I get the referral, I've got no idea. I will be begging them to take away the spare parts though.
DeleteWhen I went to the lady bits doctor I always wore the craziest knee high striped socks I could find. Figured, meh, might as well dress for the occasion.
ReplyDeleteI usually keep my socks on anyhow. Something about stirrups makes my feet cold.
DeleteDoesn't everybody!
ReplyDeleteIf he has to put up with vaginas all day long, I think the least his patients can do is not expose their feet to him. Although he kind of signed up for the ick factor when he decided to be a gynecologist...
ReplyDeleteI would imagine he's had his head between some nasty looking feet in his day - but still.
DeleteI always get creeped out by male gynecologists. What man would want to do that?? Even a homosexual man. WHY? I mean, a woman? I get it. We have the parts. We understand.
ReplyDeleteSome people think I'm weird, but show me one man who would prefer a woman checking his prostate over a man.
Well, a male friend of mine actually DOES prefer females checking his prostrate, because "they have smaller fingers." Took me awhile before I got it. Because, apparently they check that through the back door...
DeleteI try to avoid gynecologists with "football" player hands for the same reason.
DeleteI would be like, "Oh sorry, don't want to make YOU uncomfortable..."
ReplyDeleteBe very careful what you wish for. I am having to have a complete hysterectomy because my whole abdominal cavity is filled with severe endometriosis. I've been joking around with my older women friends for a few years now about how it wouldn't be so bad to have a hysterectomy because I'm done with it anyway. This isn't exactly what I had in mind. I was supposed to have just a tube and ovary removed. But, that didn't happen. I go back in for surgery #2 of the summer on July 10th to remove everything. I'd be ok with it if they could at least leave an ovary, but the whole losing everything has got me a little freaked out. My Dr seemed to think I was worried about hot flashes, that's the least of it. I don't want to lose my sex drive AND I don't want to grow facial hair!!! :-P
ReplyDeleteI agree though, Superman probably has more to worry about than your bare feet.
I had the ablation and wound up having to have a hysterectomy a couple of years later because it actually made things worse! SO there is still hope of having everything removed!
ReplyDeleteYour story made me think of my old OB/GYN. Once after an exam when I was super pregnant he was getting up from between my legs and lost his balance and fell face first into my naked lady parts!! To make it worse my husband was in the room talking to the nurse at the time and when the doctor fell they looked in horror at what was happening. The doctor and nurse left the exam room in total silence. The doctor never mentioned it to me after it happened but he did retire right after he delivered my son!