Asshattery At Work

If you don't know who Swinger Dude is you need to pour yourself a drink and then go here first. Okay now go have your drink, I'm sure you need it, and then go here.

Are you back? Sorry about that by the way - we're still friends right?

Alrighty then. So Swinger dude has a different idea of how the holidays should be celebrated. His idea of the perfect Holiday Celebration is to attend a sex party. Now I'm sure there's another name for these things, but hey we're all small town folk and well, it's just kinda icky so we don't really mind being dorks on this one.

The day starts with me, The Comedian, and Shakespeare all working together. The Comedian is new to the place so the conversation goes something like this.

The Comedian: So Swinger dude was telling me all about his big weekend plans. Something about a sex party. 

Shakespeare and I laugh (a little bit guilty on my part since as much as I want to I really can't warn people about Swinger dude. Or at least I haven't figured out how to work it into a conversation.)

The Comedian: Who talks about stuff like that at work? And really, if he's so into it why isn't the guy in porn doing what he loves? 

The Comedian: Seriously, if that was me and I had the equipment for it I'd be in movies making money, but I got stuck with the white man’s package. 

Me: Okay, but Swinger dude starring in a porno would be like Jack Black starring in a porno. 

The Comedian: Exactly!

Shakespeare and The Comedian are laughing their asses off. Me? I'm laughing and gagging. Yeah I know I said it, but seriously didn't you just vomit a little bit in your mouth picturing Jack Black in a porno?

At this point Swinger dude comes over to us.

Swinger dude: Would you mind covering your mouth when you sneeze?

Swinger dude does his blah, blah, blah thing and then leaves.

Me: Did I sneeze? Because I only remember laughing, gagging and in general trying not to piss myself. 

The Comedian: My wife has an issue with that. One morning I was just getting ready to leave for work and she pulls in the driveway. So I asked her why she was home. 

The Comedians Wife: I pissed my pants on the way to work. So I told the supervisor I forgot something at home. 

The Comedian: But seriously, someone should get S&M dude a big chocolate dick for Christmas since he's such a dick. 

I tried to find a picture to go here but Google would only give me pictures of real dicks so now I'm feeling a little vomity again.

At this point Swinger dude wants to get in on the party since we're all having so much fun. The conversation turns to cars and car engines and I drift away since the other two are pretty much stuck standing there listening to him. I mean really the best way to save yourself is to trip whoever is with you right?

Finally Swinger dude heads back to his work area and I head back to the real conversation.

The Comedian: You know, my step-son is seriously into cars and I'd love to take Swinger dude there sometime. I think he'd really enjoy it.

Me: Yeah, but you would have to take him with blindfold and a hood over his head so he could never find his way back. 

The Comedian: Well my step-son he's a pretty laid back guy. You know he's about 6 feet tall. 

The Comedian: Okay so it would be a really bad idea to take Swinger dude there. My step-son might not be too happy with me.

The Comedian's Step-Son: Hey, you wanna come get your buddy? I've tried everything but the dude just won't take a hint and leave.

Me: Isn't it terrible? Seriously, I've had the guy follow me to the washroom and wait outside the door so he can keep on talking when I come out.

Shakespeare: It doesn't matter what you do, he just keeps talking.

Me: It's like he just doesn't see the desperation to get away on people’s faces.

Me: I've tried not making eye contact. I've tried turning away from him and talking to someone else. He. Just. Doesn't. Get. It.

The Comedian: Seriously Half Assed, there should be a section in the Employee Handbook about this guy. 

1. Do Not make eye contact.
2. Do Not ask him what his plans are for the weekend.
3. Do Not mention cars unless you are really into cars. 

Me: He does have his uses. If you are ever racing someone for the bathroom and they're winning? Tell them Swinger dude was in there. They'll turn around and walk away.

Shakespeare: Break time is taking forever to get here.

Me: What? You're not enjoying this conversation. 

Shakespeare: I laughed so much, now I'm hungry.