My New Year's Pledge

I've never kept a New Year's Resolution - ever. So instead this year I'm making a New Year's Pledge.

I pledge to quit living for the life I want and start living the one I have. 

For the past four years I have focused too much of my time and energy in trying to build a partnership with a man who isn't ready to take that step. At the end of each year, I've been a year older, my kids have been a year closer to independence and I've been just as far away from my dreams as I was at the beginning of the year. I'm not doing that anymore.

Instead I will occasionally join my guys in their never ending verbal sparring, and when I do we will laugh together or maybe even yell at each other. Sometimes there may even be a bit of wrestling - it's the boy version of a hug. There may be curses and vulgarities strewn about when we're done, maybe even some furniture. It's who we are and it won't be much longer that they are here every day driving my nuts with their bickering.

I will attempt to maintain some order in my home but I won't worry that I'm only just keeping my head above water (or laundry) because tomorrow sure as shit there will be more to do. Instead I'll do what I can while still unapologetically taking time to do what I love. If you need me to spell it out for you - I don't love housework.

When I need to work a ridiculous amount of hours because that's my job, I'll do it and celebrate the independence piling up in my bank account. When enough of it has piled up I'll start looking by myself for a home I can love. Who says I have to wait for someone to make a home with me, because going by the last 20 years, I'm pretty sure I can do that all on my own.

I'll still hope for that partnered life. One where I can share all of life's ups and downs with somebody else and their shoulder is always there. A life where I have a partner to tackle the trivial and mundane stuff that happens every day, and at the end of the day we’ll crawl into bed together and do it all over again tomorrow. I'll even still hope that someday he will be that partner.

Until then I will pledge to fully live this crazy chaotic life that is mine.