How To Make Simple Complicated

So I work in a tomato packhouse, with a guy who is a swinger and maybe a submissive. Not that this is a flaw, unless of course he shares details. Which he did. Swinger dude is also the most aggravating human I have ever met. I now get to spend more time with with him 6 days a week than I do my family.

Swinger dude also loves to brag about his IQ of 140. Which means nothing to me, since it's not as if he's building rockets or curing cancer - dude, you work in a packhouse so you are NOT a genius.

We spend so much time at work that as much as possible I like to get along and encourage people by commenting on their positive contributions, especially after any reprimands - which Swinger dude requires almost daily. The reprimands that is. NOT the flattery since the little fucker's ego already outweighs him by a couple of hundred pounds.

Once, only once I made the mistake of saying that Swinger dude could look at a box and know the count instantly. This is what came of that comment.

Cue up the Law & Order music just because I hear it in my head every time I read that last sentence.

Some of our product is shipped in 15lb boxes. Before packaging each individual piece is graded by weight and then depending on the weight a set number are put in a box. 

One fruit/veggie in every dimple should guarantee a 15lb box. The problem is each size has to be palletized separately. So at the end of the line somebody has to figure out the count which could be anything from 14 for the ginormous ones to a 52 for the little ones.

Once I made my fateful statement of how Swinger dude could just look at the box and say the count he felt the need to elaborate on how he did it. Apparently he sees the arrangement of rows and the number in each row and instantly knows what the count is. If he had stopped there I would be in awe of this ability.

Swinger dude loves to talk so of course it didn't stop there. Oh hell no. We had an entire afternoon of him doing his "Tickle-me Elmo" impersonation complete with the shaking up and down (picture that shit in bondage gear folks!). His maniacal laughter and talk and talk and talk. About shit NOBODY gives a flying fuck about.

In the end he devised a "method" to make it simpler for us stupid folk to do what he could do.

So I tried to figure out his method. Let's see, 14 count - a row of 3 and a row of 4, and 4 rows all together. Something is off there. The 16 count and the 18 count work. Call me stupid but I don't fucking get it. Plus has anyone ever heard of a Demon? And how does this shit relate to cars anyhow?

Swinger dude wants to tell me about his brilliant method and how people are using it. Dude they are laughing AT you, not with you. Most of us (as in everybody except YOU) just look at the liner.

In order to spare myself a one hour dialogue on how his "method" works I turned around and told him that it's simpler to just look at the number on the liner. His reply? I'm color blind - I wouldn't know. It's all the same color! How does being color blind stop you from reading a raised number on plastic?

After that afternoon? I now have three workers ready to start a bidding war on the one job that doesn't require them to work in his area. I could get rich off of this folks.

Also? The last time EVER I try to soften a reprimand with a compliment.