When you moved here we were all treated to a fine display of you cursing and yelling at your wife. Since it didn't occur again, I put it down to moving day stress and moved on.
During my first opportunity to talk to you, you proceeded to bitch that you couldn't find a job because all of the immigrants were taking the variety store jobs. I put it down to ignorance and moved on.
Over the years we've maintained a civility, and while I certainly wouldn't invite you over for dinner, live and let live has been working out pretty good for us. I even ignored those spindly pot plants you had growing on your step in plain sight. I may not know anything about the cultivation of marijuana, but I'm fairly certain if those had been tomato plants you would have been lucky to get a single BLT out of them.
I even forgave you for luring away our pet squirrel with Sun Chips when anybody knows squirrels are supposed to eat nuts. In fact I probably would have paid to watch you give him that flea bath you talked about.
When I see you walking your dog, I choose to see the proud dog owner in you and ignore your shirt that ponders the mysteries of the universe or as it so eloquently states I Shaved My Nuts For This? I even choose to ignore the massive amount of belly hanging out below the hem.
Now I understand our vehicles are not the quietest ones around. It's called poverty sir. You certainly can't think we choose to live in this neighborhood. I also understand my son's truck is loud. I get it. That's something that happens to old trucks.
You also may have noticed it's winter? You didn't miss that cold breeze flapping your robe around this morning did you? So the reason the truck is running for at most 10 minutes in the morning is because if it isn't warmed up first the defroster can't do it's job. The reason the truck is running at 6:30 is because my son is in fact going to work. Something I have not seen you do in the entire 5 years you have lived here.
When you came and knocked on the door this morning, your request that he not leave the truck running for so long in the morning was almost civil and would have been honored. However this wasn't quite enough for you. As you were leaving you chose to actually enter a vehicle that is not your own and turn it off. And then to really set the tone for Monday - you also yelled and threatened my son. As he was going to work, something he happens to do Monday through Friday.
However we are in luck. A while back Vinny C, from As Vinny C's It provided me with the perfect thing for you.
That's right - you sir need a tanning.
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The Sarcasm Goddess
Deb at Just Keepin It Real Folks
Larks at Lark's Notes This
I promise no spanking for you (unless you're into that) if you go vote for me at Circle of Mom's Top 25 Funny Mom's contest. Maybe get your friends and family to vote too - since I'm nowhere near my goal of making it into the top 100. You can vote your favorites every day until February 13th.
Yes he is in fact that. I've never once complained about him hollering across his yard with his oddly mechanical you need to clear your throat dude voice. Even when it prevents me from taking a well deserved nap on my one day off. Probably because I accept that people need to be able to live in their homes.
ReplyDeleteAlso deposit dog shit into his yard under cover of night ;-)
ReplyDeleteHe's a different sort that's for sure. Up until now, he's been about a 5 on my asshole neighbor scale. This kind of bumped him up to a 9. Especially since he actually woke me up. That's right - I can sleep through the truck right outside my bedroom (we're talking 2 feet max) - but his tapping on the door woke me up and deprived me of another 10 minutes of sleep.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you can somehow train all the neighborhood dogs to poop on his lawn?
ReplyDeleteHe's a different sort that's for sure.
DeleteOh Girl, that douche definitely deserved that spankin'!!!! Tip for ya: a potato gun filled with doggie do do does wonders for folks like him. I am very honored to receive such a prestigious award. I will open up my can of whoop ass next week.
ReplyDeleteRevenge via dog shit seems to be unanimous!
DeleteOh he sounds terrible! Needs a life, that's for sure. Maybe you should throw pornographic vegetables at his house. Unless you think he'd like that, of course.
ReplyDeleteWell he does sit around in a robe for most of the day and his t-shirt says he shaved his nuts.
DeleteI went and voted for you. Because I am a team player. Well, I'm usually on my own team, but I got tired of being on my team because we loose all the time. So I'm gonna be on your team for awhile.
ReplyDeleteDon't let me down.*
*I'm kidding. It's okay of you let me down I don't mind. :)
You're the best. I saw you in my feed when I was at work - as soon as I feed the Asshats I'm heading over to see how you whipped that washer into shape.
DeleteIf anyone deserves it, it's that asshole. I suggestion, though, that you wear gloves while administering his punishment. Plus, from the way things have been described, you may need someone with very strong knees to help you out with the bending him over process.
ReplyDelete(Way behind on my reading, so I apologize for just getting to this.)
We are trying to be considerate but man that just left a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Two days later I'm still wide awake half an hour earlier than I need to be over this.
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