Take for instance the Hairy Assed Dog. It's not that I mind vacuuming up the tumbleweeds of dog hair that have invaded every corner in my house. I don't even mind having to lift every chair so I can pull off the gobs that seem to collect around the chair legs. Not at all. I knew Golden's shed a lot and accepted that me and the vacuum were going to get to know each other a whole lot better.
The thing that really irritates me? You are a Hairy Assed Dog. The vacuum cleaner will always be a part of your life. Sure I don't like it either, but seriously it is NOT an attack vacuum. It won't suck you up or suddenly start chasing you around when it's sitting in the corner unplugged. If you can't kiss and make up, at least quit running around the house like an idiot and generally getting in my way. I can assure you the vacuum is a lot nicer than the clippers.
Then there's the cat. Yes a couple of today's goals do revolve around you. For instance changing your kitty litter and providing you with fresh bathroom facilities. Even though I know you'll shun them in favor of the dirty clothing the Asshats keep leaving on the bathroom floor. I will also try not to curse too much as I clean the shit spatter off of the wall behind the box. God forbid I give you enclosed bathroom facilities and make you claustrophobic as you do your business.
None of those goals involve me following you around the house as you walk seductively in front of me waving your asshole around. I did not wake up this morning thinking it had been far too long since I last saw your butthole winking at me. Kindly stop doing that or walk a half pace slower so I can shove my foot up your arse and be done with it. Here let me stir the kibble in your dish around with my hand to make it palatable for you, even though we both know it's the same damn food that's been sitting there all morning.
I promise I won't ever chase you with the vacuum, so can you please go vote for me at Circle of Mom's Top 25 Funny Mom's contest. Maybe get your friends and family to vote too - since I'm nowhere near my goal of making it into the top 100. You can vote your favorites every day until February 13th.
And yet, my household has never been without at least one of them. Pet lovers are just masochists.
ReplyDeleteOh. My. Gawd. My belly aches from laughing... My furkiddos are much the same. "OMG! OMG! Vacuum! RUN!!!!"
ReplyDeleteI have enclosed potty facilities for the cats, however my boy cat manages to pee straight out the crack between the top and bottom half. *le sigh*.
It's worse if someone else is using the vacuum - then he tries to climb my leg to get away from it. 50 pounds of dog trying to get in my lap is not cool.
DeleteThat is why I have an alligator head as a pet instead of a live pooping and shedding machine
ReplyDeleteSmart lady. An occasional dusting and you're good to go.
DeleteFor me it's no pets, no kids & no vacuuming. YAY!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I looked it up & the fear of vacuum cleaners is called zuigerphobia. It does exist.
I knew it! I'm jealous of the no vacuuming part. Without the rest I'd have nothing to blog about.
DeleteThis is part of the reason why I have no furry animals in my house. I do have a pet python, but he is very low maintenance. He eats once a week and I clean his cage twice a month. That's it.
ReplyDeleteWe used to have a lizard and a tree frog. I got tired of having to care for the crickets they ate.
DeleteHahaha! Vinny C may be onto something, about 4 kids, 2 grandsons and one NON shedding dog too late for me, but def onto something! I don't know why but my pup has never been afraid of the vacuum, she just simply couldn't care less. Of course she is only 12 lbs. but thinks she's a big bad ass. Could just be her attitude, which I'm certain she does not get from me..
ReplyDeleteMy dog is the biggest baby. Usually I end up shoving him in one of the kids bedrooms - they have to vacuum their own.
DeleteMy dog isn't afraid of the vacuum as much as she feels the need to protect me from it. She is always just to the front and side of me when I vacuum and as soon as it is the farthest away from me, she attacks it. She growls and grabs ahold of the front bottom corner of it preventing me from pulling it back to finish my vacuum stroke. But she only does it with me. Apparently the vacuum isn't out to kill my husband or kids.
ReplyDeleteWe have an enclosed cat box, but as soon as it doesn't meet their standards, they are looking elsewhere. Which apparently 2 days worth is their standards. Our one kitty, Selina, has dicovered that the gas fireplace is good place to pee, while the other kitty, Natasha, poos just outside the litter box. At least she is thoughtful enough to do it on the mat and not just on the floor. She busted herself though. I always wondered who was pooing there, but never caught them, so I couldn't be sure. Well, Tasha developed a taste for the shiny ribbons on her toy and started eating them. Low and behold the next time there was poo on the mat, it included a shiny gold ribbon.
Poo tied up with a bow! Your cat is just way too kind.
DeleteI'm not sure which would be more aggravating - being defended from the evil vaccum, or being expected to be the defender from the evil vacuum.