The other half and I split when the kids were ten and six. The six year old adjusted well. The ten year old? Not so much. After two harrowing years, I turned to professionals and we started family counseling.
I'm sure Shalom made an opening for us on her schedule after the preliminary phone call. The one where I was trying to talk like a rational human being and anyone who wasn't deaf could tell that the level of chaos in my household was red-lining. At least once during that phone call Asshat #1 darted in and hung up the phone on me.
During one particularly loud chaotic session #1 wanted to know if I had ever smoked pot. Shalom's response was that she was shocked I wasn't already a raging alcoholic. Tip - if your counselor suggests this, you probably should have sought help sooner.
On leaving that session, it was cold and just starting to get dark. Number 1 got in the front seat while I made sure #2 was properly
That's when #1 decided to start pushing buttons.
The button for the lock.
If you, as a child of the 70's should ever be engaged in a contest of thumb dexterity and speed against a child who cut his teeth on Sega Genesis and Nintendo, you are fucked.
So as I would press my key fob, with one hand while trying to shuffle my purse and my open can of pop around so I could open the door with the other I was hearing the lock snapping shut again.
After a few minutes of the purse and pop shuffle, I start to wonder what the people coming out of the adjoining grocery store are thinking. Watching this wild woman fling her purse from her hand to her armpit with pop flying everywhere. And because I felt like an asshole, I went and gave anyone watching me a true display of how an asshole acts.
I whipped my half full can of pop at the car.
Mission accomplished, Asshat #1 finally let the wild woman who was his mother in her own damn car and we drove home. Thirsty, and with my face burning in shame the entire way.
I promise, I'll never throw anything at you, so go vote for me at Circle of Mom's Top 25 Funny Mom's contest. Maybe get your friends and family to vote too - since I'm nowhere near my goal of making it into the top 100. You can vote your favorites every day until February 13th.
I've lost my shit in lots of places (CVS most recently), and that's just because I'm insane. I mean, that has to be it because I don't have kids. lol
ReplyDeleteAnd also, the carpeting at CVS makes me twitchy.
DeleteSo far the only carpeting to make me twitchy is the stained carpeting at the walk-in clinic.
DeleteBeing around that many people is what does me in. That and the inevitable hot-flash.
I am laughing so hard that tears are running down my face...because my 12 year old did this to me recently. I got out of the car to put something in the back and he proceeded to lock and unlock the door. I was powerless to do anything about it. I honestly wanted to kill him, and he thought it was the funniest thing in the entire world.
ReplyDeleteThat Y chromosome does me in sometimes.
(If I'd had a can of soda, I'd have hurled it at the car for sure)
You have no idea how good you just made me feel. I honestly thought this crap only happened to me!
DeleteIf I pulled this against one of my parent's, I wouldn't be alive to write these words right now.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing we 70's kids know about.
Oh I'm dead positive I would have been dead. The real difference is that I wouldn't have even thought to do it!
DeleteNote to self: When I have kids (and a car), make sure I'm the one in the car first.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I voted.
DeleteOr make sure you have faster thumbs than they do.
DeleteThanks for the vote!
Oh dear. I'm stressed just reading this. Take-away lesson: never let the asshat in the car first.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping some day to get even. The oldest one I will lock out of his own vehicle. The youngest I will sit behind and jam my toes into his rear end - repeatedly.
DeleteIt's a funny story even though I'm sure it was anything but at the time!
ReplyDelete