Hmm, I need to exfoliate.
Maybe I should use something to minimize my pores too.
Holy fuck, what the hell is that?
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| Even chin hairs can have bad hair days. |
It's a god damned inch long white
Mother trucker. Getting old sucks monkey balls.
Not only do I have to cross my legs when I sneeze or cough. I have to cross them when I lift something. When I laugh. When I do just about anything.
And you know what else?
I fart. I fart when I'm walking. I fart when I bend over. I fart when I lift something. I fart when I breathe for fucks sake.
What the hell is that all about? Nobody ever warns you about that when they are gleefully preparing you for the wrinkles, the hot flashes and the piddles.
Not a single person ever tells you that you will lose the ability to hold your farts.
So if you ever see me walking in the store pick a different aisle, because you really don't want to walk behind me.
PS I still have no idea why my chin hurts.
Here's what makes me made about these weird, stray hairs...why do we always find them when they are an inch or two long? How did we have it that long and not know? It didn't really just spring up over night at that length. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME??!! GAH!!! (I have not experience the fart thing yet, but it's only a matter of time.....) --Lisa
ReplyDeleteYou're right. They never appear as a little stubble, it's always long enough to hem a pair of pants when you notice the damn thing.
DeleteNOOO! I am SO with you there! And with Lisa! What the funk?! Where do they come from AND WHY DOES NOBODY TELL US THAT WE HAVE THIS GHASTLY PROTRUSION! I'm calling bullshit. I want a re-do on this whole debacle. And I also want a say in the evolutionary process. This is crap. And I'm only 30. I can't even begin to fathom the mess that I'm going to be at 60...
ReplyDeleteIf evolution really worked we wouldn't have any hair on our legs or armpits and instead it would all be redirected to our head.
DeleteLOL....and only because I have experienced every single thing that you wrote about.
ReplyDeleteSucks monkey balls doesn't it?
DeleteI'm going to be your friend and tell you something ELSE no one ever warns you about. You know how you get gray hairs on your head? Maybe in your eyebrows? Guess what? Your hoo-haw hair gets gray in it, too. Take a deep breath and let that wash over you.
ReplyDeleteIt's just wrong isn't it? And I bet the Clairol box has a warning about not using it there too.
DeleteJust be grateful it's white! The ones I get are pitch black!
ReplyDeleteBut those would be easier to see, no?
DeleteOh God, the chin hairs! They're wirey little suckers, too. I don't know how they pop up out of nowhere. Why do our bodies have to start falling apart? I mean, if I was 70, I'd understand, but not now!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go check my chin now :)
In the car is the best. You can see EVERYTHING!
DeleteI fart in my sleep, almost all night. I cannot help it and it drives my husband crazy. But, yeah getting old sucks. My worst at this point is the fact that my hands are so stiff and hurt in the mornings.
ReplyDeleteSore hands are not nice.
DeleteOne time when The Polish Guy and I were spooning I dozed off and farted on his leg. Of course that startled him awake and when he jumped it startled me awake too. Good times!
Oh, the gas thing happened to me after childbirth, but I think it's more a product of being home with a small child all day and never caring to hold it, and then being unable to when I really need to!
ReplyDeleteTell me about it! Try spending a week at a cottage with 4 teens. One time we came home and I caught myself belching in the store.
DeleteIt does. My eyebrows have taken on a life of their own. I am so bummed.
ReplyDeleteI get the occasional brow hair that grows to 6 inches or so..
DeleteMy hairdresser calls them hag hairs. Which didn't make me feel a whole lot better. Maybe you chin hurts because you're getting a blind pimple? I remember having one once and my chin swelled up to the size of an orange.
ReplyDeleteIt's all better today, but yesterday it hurt enough that I expected it to look bruised.
DeleteHmmm, suddenly drinking enough to have liver damage by 40 doesn't sound like a bad plan...
ReplyDeleteYou might be on to something there!
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