Alien Abduction Or Switched At Birth?

Neither of the Asshats seem to carry any of my genetic wonderfulness. Clearly both of them are the result of alien abductions. I have proof.

Asshat #1 left an empty measuring cup in the fridge. Why you ask? Well because #1 finds my 4 cup measuring cup to be the perfect sized drinking glass.

I will admit I have some pretty sloppy standards on the domestic front - but measuring cups are not for drinking from, just as coffee cups are for only coffee or other hot beverages. That's why they have the special handle on the side - so you don't burn your fucking fingers.

I will also admit I like a really big glass for my beverages. The bigger the better so I don't have to refill as often. It's just a hair classier than sitting with the whiskey and pop bottles right at hand. That doesn't stop me from thinking that if you are standing in front of the fridge to drink your beverage in a four cup measuring cup why the hell didn't you just drink out of the pitcher?

Asshat #2 makes his bed and sweeps his bedroom every day. He never just puts groceries away, he organizes the cupboard. Same with the dishes and the damn plastic ware that's always trying to vomit out of the cupboard.

Now I totally get the sweeping every day part because I can't stand when stuff is sticking to my feet. I don't like feeling as if I were walking on a beach in my socks at the end of day either.

That making the bed part though? That is just strange. I make mine once a week when I put the fresh sheets on. The rest of the time why would anyone bother? You're just going to get back in as soon as you can right?

Asshat #1 lives his life completely without fear and has no problem planning and executing pranks. Once I drove into my driveway to see my neighbor standing in his driveway talking to another neighbor. The remarkable part was they were standing next to his completely shrinkwrapped truck. Just because there were no foot prints in the snow doesn't mean I didn't know who the culprit was right away.

I can agree that there was no neighbor more deserving of having to unwrap a shit ton of saran wrap from his vehicle, but my fear of getting caught would have stopped me before I even went outside. Well that and my intense hatred of saran wrap.

Asshat #2 also lives his life without fear. The fear of being laughed at never stops him. In fact he goes out of his way to clown it up. Picture a long gangly 17 year old walking around shirtless.

He sees you looking his way, so he drops his chin and lashes coquettishly then licks his finger and starts playing with his nipple. Try not to piss your pants laughing while ignoring that. It's a comedy routine he has perfected and he gets me with it every time. 

Clearly, I'm going to have to revise my alien abduction conclusion, solely on the basis that aliens are higher beings - something my little household of freaks is not. Switched at birth is still a contender though.

PS. This list has given me a strong opinion of which Asshat I'm going to move in with when I'm old and incontinent.

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