Now they're full grown and pretty close in size. What Asshat #1 has in muscle, Asshat #2 compensates for by having crazy octopus arms. No for real, I would swear that boy has eight arms when he wants to be an asshole and poke me in the muffin top - just for shits and giggles.
So I do try really hard to ignore them when they horse around. Kind of hard though when you can hear all kinds of crashing and banging and you don't know if the house is coming down. Monday night they started. I turned my stereo on and tried to ignore them. Of course, they just upped the ante.
Asshat #2: No! That's going to hurt!
My Brain: Ignore them. They'll stop sooner or later. Come on, you can do this! Just ignore them for five more minutes - you can win this battle!
Asshat #1: Quit being such a pussy!
Asshat #2: No! laugh No! laugh No! That's going to hurt! scream.
My Brain: Well I guess you'd better go see what the fuck is going on.
So I went out to the kitchen. There they are, Asshat #2 in full out squirm (think wrestling silly string and you've got the idea) with Asshat #1 sitting on top of him holding a Barbecue Igniter.
You know that red button you push to light your barbecue?
The one that shoots a spark out of it's ass?
Yeah, that.
I, being a semi-responsible adult try to get them to quit.
Me: Get off your brother and don't zap him with that.
Asshat #1 makes like he's going to zap me as I'm trying to grab the effing thing.
Asshat #2: If I get it, I'm going to zap your tongue. No, I'm gonna zap your balls. No, I'm gonna zap your rectum.
Somehow in the midst of muscles wrestling silly string , Asshat #2 gets the igniter. (Remember the crazy octopus arms?)
Wanna know what he did once he had it? He zapped his tongue. His own tongue.
Asshat #2: Aah, my tooth!
Apparently if you try to zap your tongue with a barbecue igniter, the zap will jump to your tooth.
Who knew?
Just once, I would like to ignore my kids when they're squabbling and fighting, but I've always feared they would be like the gingham dog and the calico cat, and I would go back in the room and not find a scrap of either one left.
ReplyDeleteTrying to ignore them is a battle I am destined to lose. Trying to get them to stop is also a battle I lose. Ever damn day.
DeleteGirls are no better I tell you... Even the dog comes to my room to hide with me under the covers.
ReplyDeleteI used to have a cat that would be all stretched out and comfy on my bed. Then she would hear the oldest's feet hit the floor and instantly be under the bed.
DeleteThe dog does a lot of cowering at my side when they're in full swing.
I've seen girls when they get into it and it can be pretty fierce. Girls don't seem to have the same desire to go after genitalia with intent to injure though.
Nice to know it doesn't end.
ReplyDeleteMy 14 year old seems to lack the understanding that his 10 year old brother is much smaller than he is... now. I'm convinced that the 10 year old is going to be the bigger of the two once they are grown. Pay backs are going to be hell.
In theory, we're not really supposed to root for one or the other right? But you do hit the point where you want to cheer one on, when you know damn well the other one deserves it.
DeleteI guess I should scratch off "zap my tongue with a bbq lighter" from my bucket list since it doesn't appear to be nearly as awesome as I had first thought.
ReplyDeleteAsshat #2, proudly serving as Crash Test Dummy for the world since 1995.
DeleteIt's funny cause they ain't mine... but give mine a few years... :) I adore your children.
ReplyDeleteDo you adore them enough to have them for an extended stay?
DeleteWhen the oldest was young I made a conscious decision that I wanted both of mine to have a strong character. I grew up being a meek child and I did not want that for my guys. Sometimes though, their character is just a bit too strong.
I was formally an Asshat #1 and I found many ways to torment the lesser Asshats. One of my favorites was pinning them to the floor by sitting on their chests and arms, smearing peanut butter on their faces, and then calling the dog to come over and lick it off.
ReplyDeleteHave you bought peanut butter lately? I think that would be grounds for imminent bodily injury nowadays. It costs a fortune!
DeleteAsshat #1 likes to accuse Asshat #2 of using peanut butter to attract the dog, in a dirty way. It causes a squabble every time.
Oh shit, your hands are full! I can't stand my 3 yo beating the shit out of the 9 yo (I told them that they can no longer make eye contact) so I don't know how you're hanging on. I assume you drink.
ReplyDeleteNo need to assume - I'll confirm it!
DeleteHa. My kids tend to fight oddly too. I eat a lot of chocolate.
ReplyDeleteChocolate, booze, whatever gets you through!
DeleteMy 17 yo son was SOMEHOW able to buy a tazer online. He zapped it into the air a couple times and I about crapped MY pants from the sound. He wanted to take it to school but got a big negatory on that. I'm almost afraid for his sister when we go on vacation next week leaving her in charge! ALMOST!
ReplyDeleteNote to self: Inspect all packages that arrive via mail.
DeleteSeriously? At 21? Geez. My sons are 16 and 9. So, usually nothing horrible happens since the older one knows it's totally unmatched. They bicker though. I try to ignore them. Sometimes wine is involved.
ReplyDeleteWhiskey is always involved here. There's 6 years between my and my brother. We never carried on like my guys do.
DeleteHahahahahaha! I have never been so glad that I have a boy...and a girl. This sounds SO MUH like every tale I hear of my husband growing up (with his two brothers).
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to find out what is happening next at your house!!
I'm sure something will happen - it always does! ;-)
Delete