Boyfriend: So your mom is having dinner tonight?
Me: Yep.
Boyfriend: Are you going to make those crackers?
Me: What crackers?
Boyfriend: Those crackers I told you about.
The crackers he told me about. The ones I've never seen, let alone tasted. The ones that take ingredients I don't have and require that you toss them every 10 minutes for an hour. Those crackers.
Me: Nope. I'll be lucky if I find time to shower before dinner. See you later.
I mean after all, I've got to buy ingredients to make my food porn and then figure out how to get it to look exactly like what I see in my mind. This is important business I've got planned for my Sunday afternoon.
Until then, for you people who resolved to hit the gym a little more? I bring you a preview of what you will see in the change room at old lady o'clock.
For some reason we aren't allowed to pack these ones either - in this case I can see why.
Also? If you tell a group of high-spirited Jamaican ladies that you need that tomato so you can make it assless chaps out of Romain leaves they will start gifting you with the oddball tomatoes.
Look at the one they gifted me with yesterday.
I swear I blushed. Could you imagine if I worked in cucumbers?
It did not quite turn out as hoped. Fresh romaine is not flexible like the romaine that is usually in my fridge. Also I had planned to build a frame out of wire coat hangers. Do you still have any of those? I don't.
I asked #1 Asshat what it reminded him of. He told me it was no David - but then I pointed out the dangly bit.
PS Those crackers are Firecrackers, I have provided the link so you don't have to Google it and get the recipes for how to make marijuana firecrackers which I'm sure are something entirely different. I'm also sure I can't find those ingredients at the grocery store.
Haha, it came out great! Did you take it to your Mom's? :)
ReplyDeleteSadly, he is not very sturdy. I had to use toothpicks since there are no wire coat hangers to be found. Also, he took a tumble and I had to scramble to rescue his manliness from the dog who loves carrots. Speaking of the carrots, I was hoping to find some hairier ones, but I guess they were to fresh.
DeleteWho doesn't love a well-endowed tomato? It's so special that you now have people on the lookout for them for you. I am notorious for secretly taking butt crack pictures and posting them on facebook and now have friends taking them for me and sending them to me (they are too chicken to post them). Even the school superintendent got in on the game.
ReplyDeleteI see lot's of butt crack at work too. I've never seen so much butt crack in my life since I started work here.
DeleteI think you have a bright career ahead of you in the food porn industry. I'll never look at a tomato the same way again. :)
ReplyDeleteWho knew that was going to be my career path way back when I was a little girl helping to pod peas.
DeleteThis is awesome. You should dedicate more time to food porn and post more pics! Love them! And.. I may have to try my hand at some food porn myself! I'll just point my family to the direction of your blog and blame you! :D
ReplyDeleteIf I ever invested the time in cooking, I bet I could find some naughty potatoes too.
DeleteYour food porn is awesome. I worked at a restaurant for awhile and always came across phallic looking vegetables. I had a potato that looked like a fat dong with underdeveloped dangly bits. I called it my potesticles. It was great.
ReplyDeleteThat cracker recipe looks like a royal pain in the ass. Anything that I have to remember to turn over every ten minutes or so, AND has to sit for 12 hours, is getting forgotten about and ruined. I don't make bread for the same reason. It's actually pretty amazing that my children are still alive at this point...
I'm pretty sure I won't be making those crackers anytime soon, or ever. Don't they sound exactly like croutons to you? You could buy a couple of boxes of croutons and be all set!
DeleteI do make bread - only because I can throw it all in the machine and forget about it.