When I've finally reached the point of either going postal or making them stop, I've got a few sure fire tricks up my sleeve.
Remember the Mary Catherine Gallagher skit from SNL? The one where she sticks her hands in her armpits and sniffs them? So admittedly I don't sniff my hands, but if I stick them in my armpits and then chase the Asshats with my hands - I can make them run away.
I'm not sure what exactly about this bothers them so much. I mean my hands just smell like Secret antiperspirant and I think I remember shaving recently, so what the fuck is the big deal? Not knowing why it works does not mean I'm above using it.
On the topic of shaving? If one of the Asshats is in the bathroom, flossing or popping zits and I want them out now - I just say "Hurry up, I've got to shave my legs". Asshat #1 will actually make this completely disgusted expression that is priceless to me.
It is especially satisfying since I happen to know he trims his leg hair. I know this because I usually have to clean up the stuff that doesn't make the garbage can. Unless he's part gorilla (I think I would have realized it if this were true) it's probably all of it.
If one or the other is talking at me and I just want to make them go away? I try to work the conversation around to when they were babies. Then I drop the bomb on them.
I breastfed you for x number of months.
It's a guaranteed knock out. Either one of them will make their horrified face and immediately retreat to their corner of the ring.
When all else fails I thank my vegetarian life-style and lift an ass cheek. Mom's aren't supposed to fart you know.
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The armpit trick is a keeper, I shall use it myself.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I touch any body part my wife usually is scared stiff I'm gonna touch her.
I'm not going to ask which body parts.
DeleteI just start talking about sex. My kids lose it.
ReplyDeleteThat one works pretty good too. Except every once in a while they turn the tables on me and I can only fake lack of embarrassment for so long.
DeleteThat line about "I breastfed you for x months" should totally be listed in pro-breastfeeding literature as one of the many advantages of breastfeeding...
ReplyDeleteIt would be, but at that point the literature is still trying to help you keep thinking that children are all about rainbows, glitter and other pretty things.
DeleteOooohhhhh you hold the trump card with the vegetarian farts fo' sho!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou bet I do. If they annoy me enough I like to pretend I'm in their room to see how their day went and then I leave to the tune of "you're disgusting!"
DeleteHahahah the breastfeeding one is genius, too!
ReplyDeleteIt's a guaranteed end to the sometimes ridiculous conversations my guys will start.
Deleteha! I KNEW that vegetables made the ass-funk worse! Ever since I got the twins to start eating some veggies I have been literally knocked backward changing the poopy diapers!!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a blog post about it and a vegetarian felt the need to take umbrage with me! Was that you?? ;-)
Indeed, vegetables do make the ass-funk worse.
DeleteI don't make a habit of trying to push my lifestyle on others. I actually still cook meat for the Asshats. I would never take umbrage at any bloggers post. If I don't like it, I don't have to read it. ;-)
I loved Mary Catherine Gallagher! She was my most favorite SNL character when I was growing up. And your last line is hilarious. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could remember the last time I even watched SNL. The mancave has TV but no cable so we can only watch movies out there.
DeleteHa! Next time you need to clear out the bathroom, how about trying, "Hurry up, I need to change my tampon!"
ReplyDeleteThe look you receive should be priceless! :)
I'm picturing the look - it is priceless!
DeleteThanks for the great ideas!
ReplyDeleteI'm telling you - they work.
DeleteI start singing show tunes or I threaten to get Grandma to kiss them on the lips. My mom has this thing about kissing people inappropriately on the lips. Freaks us all out. And I LOVE Mary Catherine Gallagher!
ReplyDeleteI used to work with a lady who's husband would tell her to take off her shirt. She insisted it worked. When I tried it, I just ended up sitting their awkwardly in my bra.
DeleteI'll need to file these away in my arsenal!
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you share any good ones you come up with.
DeleteTaking notes, as always. I am almost looking forward to embarrassing them.
ReplyDeleteBy that time, they will have embarrassed you so many times that you'll have an evil laugh track in your head as you're doing it.
DeleteI cannot use the breastfeeding thing but I do actually do the Mary Catherine Gallagher routine to shock my kids. Lately though, I have been doing the Sally O'Malley routine: "I'm 50! I'm 50 years old!" Cracks me up and the kids just roll their eyes.
ReplyDeleteBut could you imagine how shocked they would be if you told them you nursed them?
DeleteHA! I love the arm pit thing. I can imagine you chasing them around the house. good stuff!
ReplyDeleteIt works like a charm. Every Single Time.
DeleteAs someone with plenty of my own buttons, I'm all over the armpit and breastfeeding quips. Off to try one of them right now!
ReplyDeleteI wish you the exhilaration of completely disgusting one of your progeny. It's an awesome feeling.
DeleteI wish we could use the breastfeeding approach, but our kids never breastfed. . . we'll have to think of something else to push THEIR buttons. . .
ReplyDeleteTrust me, you'll find that special something that is guaranteed to make them say Daaaaad! Do you have to embarrass me in front of my friends?
DeleteWhen my son was smaller, I actually chased him down and stuck my armpit on his face. Nice, right? No way we are scarring these for life. Kids are resilient.
ReplyDeleteNah, we aren't scarring them. That's a job for their future children.
DeletePshhh. Farting was always prevalent in my house growing up. And yeah... my parents grossed us out with sexual innuendos. Worked every time. :)
ReplyDeleteParents always have at least one or two tricks up their sleeves. It's self preservation.
DeleteIt trips my kids out that I fed them with my boobs. Don't think they're disgusted just yet.
ReplyDeleteIf that isn't working, you'll have to find another trick to get em.
DeleteThank you! Trust me, bringing up the whole breast feeding thing always makes them go away.
ReplyDeleteHa! I'm filing these away for future use...
ReplyDeleteYou might want these little tips some day.
DeleteHa! My daughter, who is 5, thinks it's awesome that she ate from my boobs. My 10 year old son is not as amused.
ReplyDeleteI love throwing that one out there some days. It's a guaranteed win.
DeleteThis is great advice!! Ha ha!!
ReplyDeleteAll of it works!
Delete