There are a few main areas where you can really get maximum effect from your efforts.
Dishes
Stockpile dirty dishes in your bedroom all week. Bring them out and pile them all on the counter around 9pm on a Sunday. Guaranteed your mom will try to load the dishwasher and find out that you ran it with one lonely casserole dish and your lunchbag that smelled like gasoline.
When you run the dishwasher that casserole dish is important - make sure it's the one with the burned on scalloped potatoes. Set the dishwasher to heated dry and transform that burnt on scalloped potato into a new indestructible material previously unknown to man.
Immediately use any new scrubbies on your shoes but leave the old worn out ones alone. Hide her Skrapr in the watering can, she'll never find it there because have you seen those houseplants?
Laundry
Hoard as much dirty laundry in your room as you can while bitching that you don't have any clean clothes. Bonus points if you bury all the wet towels at the bottom of the pile maximizing the musty smell. Double bonus points if you can score a mysterious spill that dries sticky and stiff. Make her say "Oh. My. God. I think I'm going to vomit" and you get a special star on the Make Your Mom Insane Walk of Fame.
Every article of clothing to leave your body must be inside out. Except the pants, maximize tangling in the washer and dryer with one leg right side out and one inside out. Double bonus if you roll your socks into a ball so they are nice and crunchy come laundry day.
Only half of your laundry hoard comes out Sunday morning. As soon as she's down to only two loads left, insist you have to wash your bedding right now. Empty the dryer into the basket but really jam the laundry down so it will have to be fluffed before folding. Use the longest cycle the wash machine has for your bedding.
Around 8pm on Sunday is when you bring out the other half of your laundry hoard. Moms who start the week well rested and on top of their chores are not nearly as susceptible to going ape shit crazy. That is your goal, so man up and work it like a pro!
Your biggest ally in your efforts is the Front Load Wash Machine. The towels will require special attention to get the musty smell out. Don't even worry about if she's going to turn those socks right side out. She has to or they will come out of the washer as crunchy as when they went in.
The Bathroom
The bathroom is a prime zone for crazy making. Shower three times daily - every day. You have to feed that laundry monster you've got growing in your bedroom.
For your morning shower you want to make sure you shit first and then leave it in the toilet. Also you want to time it so that you leave exactly 2 minutes of hot water for the next person. Just long enough for them to shampoo but not long enough to rinse before the cold water hits.
When you shave, put the water on full blast. When you brush your teeth make sure the gob of toothpaste hits the part of the sink the water doesn't reach. Bonus points if you can hack up a loogie too.
Go for maximum splash on the vanity top while scattering all of your toiletries along the entire vanity. Your goal is to make sure each one has to be moved to wipe up your water. You're going for the "Fuck! I don't have time to deal with this" here.
During your afternoon shower blow your nose repeatedly in the shower. Leave at least one booger on the shower wall. Bonus points if it's a dirty one. When you're done there had better not be any hot water for the pre-dinner dishes that you've already lined up.
Work the laundry crazy making in tandem with your bathroom crazy making. Take your bedtime shower as your mom is thinking about doing some more laundry. If you've been following the plan you'll know when, you can hear her muttering to herself.
So for you teens going for the gold standard of crazy parents, follow my plan and you should have your mom drinking booze right out of the bottle in no time.
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How do I block your blog so my son never sees this?
ReplyDeleteYou can't. You can probably block it so you never see it, but the rules state all children will surpass their parent's technology skills at an early enough age to get maximum "rubbing it in" time.
DeleteI alternated between laughing out loud and being nauseous. This perfectly captured what teens do to drive us crazy.
ReplyDeleteI combined the both of them, since I have to live with the both of them, but I really only scratched the surface.
DeleteI think we have the same children. :p
ReplyDeleteThank god! I wonder sometimes - do other peoples kids do this? It's good to know some do.
DeleteBwahahahahahahahaha. I think my son has already read each and every one of these. I swear you describe his laundry and bathroom tactics EXACTLY!! WHY DO THEY NEVER FLUSH??!!(and he has enough bowls in his room to open a pottery barn.)
ReplyDeleteBut do the bowls have week old oatmeal in them? You have to soak that by the way.
DeleteI'm frightened. My 10 year old already has this down. He's following well in his 14 year old brother's footsteps. He's sure to surpass him soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's always the mission of the youngest to do better than the older one. Sometimes they do better in a good way and some times they exceed the oldest by doing worse.
DeleteAll I want to know is Why?
ReplyDeleteWhy would you choose to take an extended shower with your own stink wafting around?
Hahah OMG I can NOT have kids. Ever.
ReplyDeleteHonest Gia, yours will be way better than mine. This is what every mom tells themselves until the point of no return when they walk out of the hospital with their own bundle of joy.
DeleteDoes the phrase "it's funny cuz it's true" mean anything to you? That was hilarious, and as a dad of soon-to-be four year olds, I now know in detail what I have to look forward to in about ten years. Fun, fun. . .
ReplyDeleteDo you want to hear the bad news now, or ten years from now?
DeleteThis is just the tip of the iceberg.
Man I'm tempted to make this same post but with a twist, how to piss off your teacher. But then I'd get annoyed when writing it. But maybe someday I will pen it.
ReplyDeleteWrite it while you are annoyed, edit the next day. That's what I did. ;-)
DeleteMy oldest just turned 13 and you nailed the stuff that he's doing already. The sink stuff was spot on. (No pun intended) Also, there must be toothpaste and water splattered all over the bathroom mirror - especially if you just cleaned it. I fear things are only going to get worse.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to the mirror, I can handle a lot as long as they don't use their hand to wipe the steam off.
DeleteI didn't even mention the zit juice.
I know! If my kids see this, I am screwed. I never did any of this. Kids today!
ReplyDeleteI know my mom would not have stood for any of it, but she was also a lot more together with her housework than I'll ever be.
DeleteI found toothpaste on the wall TEN FEET FROM THE SINK. Explain this to me, oh Wise One.
ReplyDeleteI can't. That's got to be the one thing that's never happened here. I've had pee ten feet from the toilet, but never toothpaste ten feet from the sink.
DeleteEverything that you talked about here is happening in our house as well. But do you get the room stink as well?
ReplyDeleteIt's just terrible and I want to open the door and air it out, but it just crawls out of their rooms and infects everything!
Also, I showed this to my wife and she was crying because she was laughing so hard. Great post. :)
The room stink is just your typical teen smell. It just gets stronger in their caves. In about five years they'll outgrow it and you can get rid of it if you replace the mattress. Or they'll cover it up with perfume and or Axe body spray.
DeleteThank you, and I'm happy your wife found humor in my suffering!
I'd like to think I was an easy teen for my mom to handle, but as I went through this list, I said to myself "guilty, guilty, oh gawd eewww, but guilty"
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to bring back your less than stellar moments.
DeleteYou make me want to run out and adopt some teenagers. I always find that snot in the shower is a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteIt's always been my absolute favorite bathroom decoration. As in favorite one to bitch about.
DeleteHahahaha. When I have kids, how can I make them go from cute and sweet little babies straight to responsible adults, thereby skipping the gross teenage years?
ReplyDeleteParents have been trying to solve that riddle for eons. If you come up with a way to do it, you'll be set for life.
DeleteI don't know if my husband went through a phase like this, but if he did, he has thankfully grown out of it!
ReplyDeleteOne would hope so! I suppose there are some that never do - those are probably the ones living in their mom's basement at 50.
DeleteI don't have a basement by the way.
Well, I don't think his married brother -- who has a kid -- has grown out of it! Yikes.
DeleteThis is why I will always maintain that men should live alone for a few years - or at least the men who have bad habits.
DeleteYes! And that's exactly what he didn't do. His poor wife.
DeleteOh man, his poor wife!
DeleteNo. No. No. This can't happen to my kids. Please tell me that this is a "boy" thing, because I've only got one of them and three girls. No.
ReplyDeleteI'm in denial.
No.
I'm not sure if girls are immune to this, I only have my favorite red head (my stepdaughter) every other weekend and I didn't even know her until she was 11, so far though I haven't seen any signs of this from her. Of course I haven't seen it from her brother either, which just makes me think their mother does way better at this mother business than I do.
DeleteI feel so much better after reading this. I was convinced I'd done the absolute worst job of parenting with my oldest (who is at college). I'd wonder where all the towels went and go up to lair and find a Mount Everest of wet towels on the floor. Funny. But a bit painful too -- hits a little too close.
ReplyDeleteIt is painful and frustrating and downright angering, but I try to laugh about it as much as I can - it's only for such a short time longer.
DeleteYep, covered all those bases during the teen years, except for the boogers and dirty dishes. I was a little too type A for that.
ReplyDeleteI might have done the dirty dishes, as in one days worth. I never did the boogers because that's just gross.
DeleteMy 6 year old is already driving me crazy and grossing me out. It's good to see it's not going to get better any time soon and may actually just get worse. Thanks for that!
ReplyDeleteMy experience my be unique - maybe it won't happen. Or maybe yours will grow out of it sooner.
DeleteThis is absolutely gut busting! And, it's scary how much of this applies to my teenage boy! He does flush the toilet though. Thanks goodness for small mercies.
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to think I should offer up applause when it gets flushed by someone other than me here.
DeleteOh man. I'm dreading this already. Maybe your should charge your kids for utilities? And scraper in the watering can, WTF??
ReplyDeleteIt was the skrapr that set me off. It's the best for getting burnt on food off of dishes.
Delete