When the Asshats were little, it was no big deal. I mean every mother of toddlers knows there is no way on earth you will get to take a crap without a toddler leaning on your leg bitching that you stink.
Then all of a sudden they got older and it was icky to have mom going to the bathroom while they were taking a shower or bath. The asshats started locking the bathroom door. Then they started taking showers thrice daily. Long extended showers.
Now that one is 21 and the other 17 the morning bathroom schedule has become the most intricate part of our day. The two asshats have the bonus of needing to leave the house always at the same time. I'm not quite so lucky. Eight is my "normal" start, but more often it bounces between seven or six.
What all this means is I haven't been able to get my digestive system scheduled. So even though I set my alarm to wake me up first, things don't always happen when I want them too. If Asshat #2 is in the shower, I can knock on the door and he'll at least try to speed things up.
Asshat #1 on the other hand can be a real asshole in the morning. As in he gets up at 6am exactly and if you're in the bathroom on his time you will hear a shit load of bitching. Once he gets up he goes directly to the bathroom and locks the door. He then spends a few minutes taking his own crap - the beauty of a schedule - and then his shower. Which will last exactly 20 minutes.
Exactly 20 minutes. No matter what. I can stand at the door pleading. I can hammer on the door. He pretends he can't hear me. I don't yell though, I never yell, because by the time I'm mad enough to yell, the force of yelling would cause me to shit myself. And I refuse to start the day shitting myself.
So instead I sit in front of my computer clenching my butt cheeks together as hard as I can and I sweat and I pray please, please be done soon. The sound of the towel snapping (he does this every damn time) is always the sweetest sound of my morning. It's the signal to start heading for the bathroom. Stopping every other step to do another butt clench.
Once I enter the bathroom, my rectal muscles get another challenge. Trying to maintain a hold on my digestive contents whilst playing slip and slide on the puddles and lakes of water covering the ceramic tile.
Finally the holy grail, the porcelain throne, whatever you want to call it is mine and it's right in front of me, but there is one last challenge my quivering anus must overcome.
Asshat #1 never flushes the fucking toilet.
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No this isn't my toilet.
Do you seriously think I would have carpet in the bathroom with two boys?
OH! MY! LLLLOOOORRRRRDDDDDDYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou deserve sainthood! LB is only 13 and he is constantly clogging up our toilets around the house. He proudly walks around with the plunger telling us not to fear... he can unclog his own crap.
Asshat #1 never clogs the toilet. He would have to actually flush it for that to happen. If he ever actually did clog the toilet and added that extra step between me and relief I would put an outhouse in my back yard.
DeleteOh no! You DO deserve sainthood. I live with only boys but we have more than one bathroom. Not sure how I'd manage with one!
ReplyDeleteIf I had known how tough it would get when we remodeled I would have made it like two rooms. One with shower and sink and then the tub separate behind it's own door.
DeleteI think I would install an outhouse. Outside. For them. The asshats. My 20 year old doesn't live here anymore, he lives in a house at college with lots of other asshats. But when he comes home, he uses my shower. For hours. And then my towels. What is with THAT? And then the towels end up on the floor in his bedroom. With god knows what else.
ReplyDeleteAnd why do we have children?
We have babies. Unfortunately they don't stay babies.
DeleteI don't get the towels either. I have more towels than I have room to store them. Yet there's never any clean towels even though I do laundry every damn day.
May you could surprise the asshats with the gift of a bathroom of their own? And by "bathroom" I mean a garden hose and a bucket
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud so many times reading this, it's a surprise I didn't soil myself. How ironic would that have been?
ReplyDelete:)
Best compliment ever! Thank you Bill.
DeleteThis is what I have to look forward to, isn't it? It's funny, cause we're currently re-doing our bathroom.. so all 5 of us have been sharing 1 for a couple weeks now.
ReplyDeleteFirst - I am beyond envy that normally you have more than one bathroom. Second - are you friggin serious? Five people sharing a single bathroom?
DeleteAnd oh yeah - this is what you got to look forward too!
Ugh.. I feel your pain. We have one bathroom too and ironically enough son #2 feels the need to deposit a corpse every time he goes #2! The stench is enough to make you want to vomit. He of course thinks it's funny. Boys are disgusting. :p
ReplyDeleteBoys are disgusting. Here's a pro tip from a long time mom of disgusting males. Even if the water looks clear - give it an extra flush. Apparently sometimes even if it looks clean it still has poo smell.
DeleteThis is my house, except we DO have a half bath, which is in the Drama-Queens room, (9yo girl) BUT.... SHE WON'T EVER FLUSH HER FUCKING TOILET. OMFG. I would pee in the kitchen sink first.
ReplyDeleteoh, and she is afraid? of toilet paper, or doesn't know to use it? I'm not worried, It'll make great birth control.
DeleteThere is nothing I hate worse than being confronted by someone else's pee or shit when I've gotta go. You can't just sit down and go either because of the splash effect. Yeah, that's some serious BC - having a dirty bottom!
DeleteThis was hilarious and by hilarious I mean my sphincter is in spasm right now with the thought of your daily trial. I think I would be setting 5 alarms so that I got my ass in there at 5:59 just a few times. And I love the commenter with the bucket and garden hose plan.
ReplyDeleteTrust me the world just about ends on the morning someone is in the bathroom at 6 am. Just about ends.
DeleteSuddenly I want to take a crap.
ReplyDeleteMay your bathroom always be free when you need it.
DeleteI feel so sorry for you. My siblings and I take the longest showers and I take the longest dumps.
ReplyDeleteI could not imagine life with just one bathroom.
Sometimes I go entire weeks without ever actually looking at myself in the mirror. It's usually just a foggy blur from all the steam.
DeleteAck! Bathroom wars here too--why must it take everyone else so looooong?! I'm also snorting over the carpet around the toilet. Ha! As if that could be a reality with boys ;)
ReplyDeleteSometimes carpet in the bathroom is a reality, but it's never a good reality.
DeleteOh dear! I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be! ... I have one bathroom too but it's just me and my mother so it's pretty ok, though sometimes our schedules clash and she gets up earlier (during MY time) and then it's war, cuz she takes SUPER long showers.
ReplyDeleteI used to take long showers too, but now I'm just lucky to get 5 minutes in there. If I really want to be leisurely, I wait until the Asshats have gone to bed.
DeleteI cannot stop laughing. Seriously, after I read this I went right up to the top to read it again. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (My son NEVER and I mean NEVER flushes either...what is WTH is with that??)
ReplyDeleteI can just see you knocking and pleading...but 20 minutes is 20 minutes. OMG. This is fantastic!!! (except for your bowels)
I fear we'd kill each other with only one toilet in the house. I bow down to you all for surviving.
The oldest has come very close to dying. Very close. The only thing that save him was my greater need for the toilet. That and it's impossible to do murder while trying not to crap your pants.
DeleteMy 7 y/o never flushes in the morning either. She claims it's so the sound won't wake the 3 y/o, but that's still an awful thing to wake up to in the morning.
ReplyDeleteIn my college apartment, we had 5 girls & 1 bathroom, but we had a strict shower schedule & a solid shower curtain so others could brush teeth or potty while someone was showering. I don't remember how we handled the daily poo issue, but the 1 time everyone got a stomach bug was *NOT* a fun time.
If ever we all get a stomach bug at the same time we will be toast.
DeleteI just laughed so loudly that my cubey-mates think... well... I don't care what they think. I am using "quivering anus" in a sentence today!
ReplyDeleteI'm so wishing I had used quivering sphincter though - it has a much catchier ring to it!
DeleteLiving in a house with six people and one toilet I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteI can't handle 3. Six would send me around the bend.
DeleteWow. I can't believe you've never installed an outhouse or SOMETHING. plus, side note - is it not infuriating how much time males spend on their craps??
ReplyDeleteIt's like an event or something eh? By the time I finally get in there it takes me no time at all.
DeleteHahaha! Reminds me of when I was growing up and we only had one bathroom. It drove me crazy when mom would be all chatty getting ready for work while I was in the shower. Now I get it!
ReplyDeleteWe only had one bathroom while I was growing up too, and my dad could be in there for an hour on the can. I swear he used to nap in there. I've been practicing "holding it" for years. (actually I guess I could say decades now.)
DeleteBy now it should be - it's had one hell of a workout over the years.
ReplyDeleteI'm so trying to not imagine it, but it's there now. It's there.
ReplyDeleteThank you, it's a lovely gift. One I'm going to probably have some fun with!
I couldn't do it--I need more than one bathroom. It is a secondary mancave.
ReplyDeleteAh, that explains it. The bathroom is Asshat #1's mancave.
Delete